Alphie and Bibi reunite in the happy-clappy commune of a cave-dwelling cult leader (Joss Ackland), and when we cut to a year later, they have a lil baby in their arms and butterflies painted on their faces.

After that, it’s all wanky hippie ballads and bullshit. Pandi’s very subtle seduction ballad ‘Coming For You’ is the movie’s last good song, building to a coda of orgasmic disco vocals. “Speed and Benzedrine and poppers and everything else. “Because you could buy regular drugs over the counter in Berlin, the dancers were finding all different things”, he revealed. The film’s choreographer and, ominously enough, future American Idol judge Nigel Lythgoe recalled to Yahoo that much of the cast’s biblically-oversized performances were chemically inspired. Fascism is an explicit theme, with Jewish-coded landlady Miriam Margolyes ticketed by a cop for not wearing a triangular “BIM mark” emblazoned on her face, and Orwellian loudspeakers announcing daily, government-enforced “BIM exercises”. With its Old Testament themes and bleak, devastated geographical feel, the shadow of war hangs high over The Apple, above the disco balls and covetable costumes. When the sequinned ensemble sings that “ life is nothing but show-business/in 1994”, you can hear their voices echoing flatly in the high ceilings of a vast, abandoned office building. One filming location was used as a factory to produce poisonous gas during World War II. But what truly seduces me into biting The Apple, time and time again, is the profound emptiness of the film’s imagined environment. I know all the lyrics to that title song, and Bibi’s sick AF junkie anthem ‘Speed’ (“ America the land of the free/is shooting up with pure energy/and everyday she has to take more/speeeEEEEEDDD”). They’re capturing over “138 heartbeats!”, as underling Shake (Ray Shell), a toady intended to represent the Garden of Eden’s snake, informs his boss.

Then our Adam and Eve, Alphie (George Gilmour) and Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart), are winning over the Worldvision Song Contest’s crowd with their gloopy love ballad, and devilish exec Mr. First there’s Boogalow International Music spokespeople Dandi (Allan Love) and Pandi (Grace Kennedy), wailing out the anthemic, oft-repeated announcement that “ hey hey hey/BIM’s on the way!” It’s like some demented corporate exercise at an Amazon or Disney shareholders conference. The songs in The Apple either surprisingly slap or make you want to end your life, and the film opens with one kind of each performance. Only one of those films nearly drove Golan to suicide, and we need to talk about it.

Can you imagine a world in which none of us are walking around with the words ‘electric boogaloo’ on our tongues? As the producer-driven 1980s charged onwards, Golan and Globus’s Canon Group was responsible for everything from schlocky Stallone vehicles to actual solid thrillers like Runaway Train. These are the guys blamed for ruining the Superman and Masters of the Universe franchises: and they’re responsible for the seminal title Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Trash stache